Ink Node: Jono Tosch

Senorita Durable

2010-07-29T17:52:26-07:00

She was a lousy senorita. The lousiest senorita. She
would slap you. She would bite you. She would jump
you. You couldn’t do anything right. You couldn’t yawn
or sneeze. You couldn’t talk on the phone after nine or
write letters before five. If you...

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Where did my ointment go?!

2010-07-29T17:43:45-07:00

Playing pachinko is like controlling the moon
by talking to a moon pie about Wall Street and
stadium design. When I want to usher you around
the park will turn upon itself and all the trees
will turn upon themselves and their leaves
will...

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Jean, Jean’s Cough, and the Plants in Outer Space

2010-01-20T06:33:48-08:00

First the plant was in the Dominican

and then it was on Daytona Beach

and then it finally ended up on the trolley by the window.

Jean said it would leave a pot ring on the...

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Look at this gorgeous day!

2010-01-16T08:39:21-08:00

It reminds me of a huge and I mean huge flock of sheep.

Probably the biggest you have ever seen.

And naturally, it is a special flock, too,

in that each sheep is balancing something on its head. ...

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Dinner Plans

2010-01-13T08:07:42-08:00

You will cook a space needle.

You will cook the longest grain of rice.

The longest, most slender grain of rice

it will stretch around the world.

It will be the finest filament, it will shimmer.
...

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Hey There

2010-01-04T13:07:44-08:00

The idea behind it was simple:

they would be able to remember everything they said and did and saw.

They would walk around the room and their feet would record everything.

They would say "I love you" and "hello" and...

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French Movies

2009-12-21T20:44:41-08:00

In French movies, when they say sans soutif

they mean "no bra."

This is standard French. I am not making any of this up.

All the hungry young Frenchmen line up outside the movie houses.

...

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When Dusting Does Not Matter Anymore

2009-12-21T16:23:37-08:00

When I am old

I am going to get a bird

and I am going to name my bird Raoul.

Most of the time, Raoul will live in his cage

but I do plan to let Raoul...

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I would now like to take this opportunity to thank Allah

2009-12-20T13:03:52-08:00

Bruce Willis is

a crack head.

Except, here, "crack" means "cracker."

Not "crack cocaine." Therefore, technically,

Bruce Willis is a "cracker head." Or he would be

if "head," in this instance,...

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Papaya

2009-12-15T08:03:58-08:00

There was the papaya and then there were men carting the papaya around town, boasting its special power. Suddenly it became important to be seen with it, whenever possible, and in the strangest places. It was a huge papaya, as big as a basketball, and its origins were obscure. People...

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Ancient History

2009-12-12T08:11:38-08:00

Hercules could throw his pencil over mountains.
Aristotle could throw his hot water bag over great channels.
Sophocles, when he wasn’t over tired, could boil potatoes
one hundred at a time, just by looking at them and saying
boil boil boil. We...

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The Man I Am Today

2009-12-11T07:57:36-08:00

Computers are pencils you don’t need to sharpen.
Currency was invented by an old man with a trampoline for a beard.
When I walk to the end of a diving board
and there is a ghost tottering on the precipice
the first thought...

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