Casey Thayer

Inside Amy Schumer, Episode 103: A Porn Star is Born

Synopsis: Amy quits her job as a porn star, refuses to accept a compliment and finds out her boyfriend has AIDS.

1.

Date night: restaurant, chitchat, cork service,

deal breaker—boyfriend: I have AIDS—

chugging wine, splitting an entrée,

saying no. HIV, awkward sex talk: Thank you

for being honest about your AIDS

and the state its in. I guess

the 80s are back, and I have

a gluten allergy so that torte is like

my AIDS. Boyfriend: I think we’re forgetting

who has the AIDS here.

We are all such liars

when it comes to AIDS.

2.

I’m a super cool girlfriend: fantasy

football teams, pick-up games, threesomes.

Boyfriend: Where have you been?

I’m here now.

Let me sweep the crazy

under the rug.

3.

Covert operations: arms dealers,

secret agents, crossbolt,

butterface, point man: We want him

alive. Distract and capture,

make him a casserole,

something with protein

and a vegetable. Repelling

is awesome. You are about to go

give him a blowjob or hack

into the mainframe

of a nuclear submarine.

We will be right there

with you the whole time.

Scrunchies, laser nun-chucks,

no teeth. Operation Enduring

Mouth, then award ceremony:

titanium star, Feel free to keep

that Scrunchie.

4.

Would I take a dick for a green card?

Who cares who the 30th president was,

I will take a dick for this country.

I love America: patriotism,

loud girls, seat the pretty ones

in the back for my self-esteem.

5.

There’s a beautiful woman under all your shit,

but I’m like a size hundred. I look like a whore

locked out of her apartment. Am I drunk?

Maybe halfway there. I look like an Armenian:

people are trying to buy carpets from me.

You? You’re NASA, you’re weightless,

you fuck. I’m a fucking cow. Indian people

try to worship me. I sleep standing

in a field. I know I’m going to get fired

in like two seconds. On my SATs,

I just drew a picture of a house

on the first page and ate the rest.

The father is anyone’s guess at this point,

and I’m like one-thousand years old. I bet

the thing is going to fall out of me and be

an old cobweb or dead. I just want to crawl

in your pussy and have you give birth

to me. I like being told I look like a fetus.

I just ate a soup kitchen out of its soup.

and you?  I wish I had your tits. Your tits

make Katy Perry look like the Holocaust.

Seriously. Take that as a compliment.