Odysseus… go forth [to Switzerland]… sacrifice [stuff]… journey home … and … [die].
-Tiresias; The Odyssey, 11:138-156
For twenty years you suffered, your life an endless hardship,
wasting away the nights, weeping away the etc. Now again,
Penelope: I have to go on a super important quest. Our love
was fated by the Deathless Gods to be long-distanced; I
battled sporadically to return from Troy but was repeatedly
shanked by a soggy deus. Incidentally, I hastened our
effeminate son to maturity by inciting him to lynch your maids.
Our bed is really cool. Do you know it’s made of tree?
For your love I was not excessively appreciative of the sex
from Calypso or Circe. I did not even have sex with Helen,
though she is a dazzling beauty abloom with STDs. Penelope,
we did not wake you for the gurgly shrieks through your suitors’
cracked skulls. For you, we fumigated the house.