you know exactly why
(something of a monologue)
because i don’t want to live with alzheimer’s and aspartame, mold and dementia, family secrets and shames, cracks in floors and holes in minds, my pride and integrity going for no good whatsoever. because i am tired of serving hypocrites while in hushed tones you take me completely out of the equation. because a long walk can only cure so much, because remittances can only buy so much when gifts are thrown away because you hate life itself so much you can’t be bothered to take part in it. because the nice job, stability, and leaving didn’t happen quite like that. because i want a normalcy you will only accept when it is forced upon you, because you happen to hate yourself, call it asceticism, and think everyone should hate themselves too. because i don’t happen to believe in working for no reason. because i want things to build on themselves, instead of one day fading into another with no sense of reason, with no reason for enthusiasm, with no enthusiasm for living. because i don’t want to live with tattered rags, niceties locked up in closets for timetables you won’t live to see. because, because i am more rational than i would like to admit, because i’ve always been more practical than i would like to be, because i am the animated cliché of the lonely girl who didn’t have a childhood to raise her family, i can’t do anything other than ask why.