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American women who live in those Eastern seaboard cities that are north of the Mason-Dixon line—women who live in Washington, D.C.; New York City; and Boston, for instance—are generally speaking much more in tune with current fashion trends. They’re hip without being hipsters, and all things being equal I admire their sense of style more than I do the women who live in other parts of the country. I want to be clear that I’m speaking of urban women here; I imagine the ladies who live in inland Maine, southern Vermont, anywhere in Rhode Island, the Poconos, (et cetera) are pretty much just like small-town folks and suburbanites everywhere else in the continental United States, which is to say: not trendy.

Having said all that, at least the women in the American South (I mean here the “Old South,” by the way, not the haywire geography concocted out of thin air by the U.S. Census Bureau, i.e. I mean Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Virginia; I’m not one of those who accounts Delaware, Maryland, or Missouri “Southern”)—anyway, at least the women of Dixie have those adorable accents that positively knock you out to hear them. And it’s a good thing, too, as apart from, say, the women of Miami or Atlanta or Dallas you’re not seeing too many “cosmopolitans” below the Mason-Dixon line—if you get my meaning.

Which brings me to Midwestern women, and I’m not even going to get into how we should define the “Midwest.” Major snake-pit, there. Personally, I just think of everyone who lives between the East and West coasts as “Midwestern,” with the exception of those—and I know this is a little idiosyncratic and, yes, hypocritical of me—who live in the “North Central” region of the country as identified by the Census Bureau. So, yeah, I do tend to think of women who live in, say, North Dakota or Michigan as “Northern” rather than Midwestern. The main difference between Midwestern women and what I call “the Northern woman”? The former just make you feel all right in a vague, indefinable way—a nice feeling, but not one you can really put your finger on, either. As to their style, accent, “romantic” acuity (ahem), there’s really not much to write home about, honestly. In fact, the only women whose kissing skills I can really report to be superlative are those Northern women I was talking about. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. North Dakotans can kiss. The women, at least. I don’t have any data on the men.

But I’m going to confess now that I prefer the women of California to all those I’ve described above. If I could magically transform every woman from outside the Golden State into a Californian born-and-bred—and I’m talking here about Eureka and Redding every bit as much as Los Angeles and San Diego—I’d do it in a heartbeat. My personal opinion is that because there’s more sunshine per capita in California than there is anywhere else in the United States, the women of Cali—okay, I’m going to be generous here and include Hawaii in the analysis—get so tan and look so good in French bikinis. Ever seen a Western woman (minus Washington and Oregon) standing in the sand beside a palm tree? It’s a show-stopper, no kidding.

Look, I’ve circumnavigated the globe more than once, and I’ve met and spent some time with women answering to every size, shape, and description you could possibly imagine. And American women are just hotter, hands down. Ten times out of ten. When I travel, sure—I hook up with foreign women now and again. Why not? But the whole time I’m doing it I’m just thinking about how I can’t wait to get back to America. Back to the cutest girls in the world.

Sex with some German, Italian, Japanese, or Korean minx isn’t disloyalty, people. C’mon now.

Though admittedly, and to return to my earlier point, I’d rather that all American girls were either Californian or (at the outside) Hawaiian. Now thats my jam.

Posted 06/10/15
On the 50th anniversary of "California Girls" (The Beach Boys, 1965). For more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Girls.
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