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The Cuil

Cuil Theory is cutting edge. Advances in the field of Cuil Theory are occurring at an unheard-of pace. The recovery of the world economy may very well depend on science finding a way to harness the power of the Cuil.

Cuil Theory lampoons the search engine capabilities of the Cuil search engine, while providing a functional and intellectually stimulating framework for considering the interrelationship of tangents.


Example: You ask me for a hamburger.

0 Cuil: You ask me for a hamburger. I hand you the epitome of a hamburger, down to the most minute detail. (Note that humans inhabiting a 0 Cuil state experience the Cuil Paradox, in which the ratio of asked-for and received hamburger is so close to 1:1 that reality is no longer plausible. A human experiencing the Cuil Paradox will suspect that any hamburger received is in fact a self-manufactured memory.)

1 Cuil: You ask me for a hamburger. I give you a raccoon.

2 Cuils: You ask me for a hamburger, but I don’t exist. Where once I stood sits a picture of a hamburger.

3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming. Sauce flies from your lips. The world is in sepia.

4 Cuils: Why are we speaking German? A mime whimpers as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you. The cow falls apart into patties. You look down to see me sitting on the ground. I have pickles for eyes. I sing a song that gives birth to the universe.

5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger. I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I begin to plead with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips. Tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children’s laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. I do not make a sound when you kill me. I give you a hamburger.

6 Cuils: You ask me for a hamburger. My response is cut short as all electrons are removed from my body. Across a variety of hidden dimensions, you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of physics. Cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A-flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate, then allow yourself to become the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the hard data of the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. You stumble under the weight of all extant masses. Your mouth opens up to cry out, then collapses around your body. You depart a particular spatial plane. You exist only in the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog. My head tastes sideways as space-time is reestablished. You blink back into the corporeal world disoriented. I hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of its reconstitution. The universe reasserts itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident. Your spirit inhabits the returns desk of the Phoenix Public Library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the dimensional void between Life and Death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.

7 Cuils: I give you a hamburger. The universe is engulfed within itself. A bus advertising hot dogs drives by a Papillon. It disapproves. An unknown force reverses Earth’s gravity. You ask for a hamburger. I reply by handing you a mildly convulsing potato. You disapprove. Your disapproval enacts a cosmic shift in the void between Life and Birth. You ask for a hamburger. A particular small dog feasts on hamburger patties for the remainder of its unnatural, eternal endurance. Your constant disapproval sends silence through everything. A contrived beast becomes omnipotent. You ask for a hamburger. I give you a hamburger. Your body is a shivering blob of nothingness that slowly divides into three parts. The Papillon barks. The universe realigns itself. You, the Papillon, and the hamburger disapprove. This condemnation stops the realignment. Hades freezes over. A pig is launched by a specific hamburger into the unoccupied existence between space and time. You ask for a hamburger. I give you a hamburger. It screams as you lift it to your mouth. You laugh as I plead with you to stop. You devour the hamburger as it pleads for mercy. I disapprove and condemn you to an eternity in a certain void where a certain pig and its specific hamburger are now located. You are locked away and are fed hamburgers for the rest of your natural life. A pickle refuses to break down during the process of digestion. You die in a freak accident. A certain pickle lives the rest of its natural life in a comatose state. Your spirit disapproves. Down the street a child cries as a hamburger gets stuck in her esophagus. You ask again for a hamburger. I refuse to hand you one. You demand legal representation. I remind you that this is the New World Order. Only Papillons exist now. Only Papillons. Your name is added to a list of sins. Blasphemy. You ask for a hamburger. Realignment begins again. You beg for a hamburger. A certain Papillon’s name is written on an obelisk in Egypt. Mumble. Peasants worship the obelisk. Your corpse dances. Hamburgers are banned worldwide. The sun implodes. The planets never existed. Mercury. Venus. Earth. Mars. Jupiter. Saturn. Uranus. Neptune. Pluto is the only mass that remains. You are on vacation there. Your hunger for a hamburger reestablishes space-time. Earth is recreated under your rule. Hamburgers are your army. You wake up. Clowns. Clowns everywhere. 


Cuil modeling could have far-reaching ramifications for encryption, artificial intelligence, and computer science. For instance, Cuil modeling could easily map and model the semantic noise observable in AI “brain waves.”

The Cuil is represented by an interrobang.

Posted 05/24/14
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