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So You Want a Worker

You may only hire a worker if you promise to feed it and clean its messes.

Please allow two to four weeks for your worker to arrive.

Please allow your worker out of its metal crate twice a day for exercise.

If you turn the heat up slowly, your worker will not attempt escape.

You may only redeem your worker for store credit with a receipt.

Your worker must be this tall to board the corporate jet.

You may not carry your worker in your briefcase.

Your worker will not attack itself in the mirror if you’re watching.

Do not bite your worker back.

Wagers on your worker fighting are legal in international waters.

Your worker is licensed for Florida and Indiana only.

In India, your worker is a delicacy or sacred, maybe both.

Your worker does not contain tasty candy bars for vending.

The tenth time you use your worker, you earn a free drink.

Your worker will stare up at dropping stocks until it drowns.

No, you may not buy another worker—you don’t pay the one you have.

When your worker dies, bury it after you leave it in the freezer at least a year.

Do not flush your worker.

Posted 08/03/15
Originally published in Torched Verse Ends (BlazeVOX, 2009)
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