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Doc, You Meant “Awry”

open
black screen
We hear
NARRATOR

clearing his throat
slurping a drink
glass clinks.

Narrator:
“Now?”
(further clearing of throat)
“What you are about to see may disturb you.  The violence in the once peaceful regions - ”

(We hear talking in the background)

“Right
Sorry
Yeah
that’s for the animal rights
Thing
Sorry.

what’s with the…what’s with the black screen?  This isn’t another font documentary, is it?”

(off camera: “We’re waiting on you, actually.  I have it paused.  You introduce the transition.”)

“Ah! 
Great!
Just
Yeah
Just edit that out then.”

(off camera: “WHATEVER.”)

further throat clearing
further glass clinking
further etc.

“Dr. Ron Ronson only wanted a
Conversation
Like all of us he only lived for the next human
Connection

the next Chance to say everything you’ve always wanted

a man of outward emotion, Ron expressed his thoughts in great soliloquies and self-filmed monologues

He released these films on homemade
DVD (.?.)

His mother is currently seeking a refund, or an exchange for Volume II - which Ron has promised is

“not only better than the first, but better than the third
And I haven’t even made the third one yet.”

Cut to
Interior
Bedroom

RON sits
legs crossed
behind him we see a prominently displayed POWER RANGERS poster
Ron sips from a short glass full of water
He continuously removes and reattaches
the Lemon
to the corner of the
glass

At one point, dropping the Lemon in the glass

Ron is wearing a terrible
blazer
with checkered pants

he wears STATE TROOPER aviators
his hair resembles a MAD SCIENTIST
his feet erupt from CHEAP SANDALS

all of Ron’s WORDS throughout
are MISPRONOUNCED
with varied pitches
tones
subtle changes



odd pauses

Ron, to the camera
“I’m like…if you take David Letterman, mix it with a little bit of Craig Ferguson, and a dash of CSI: Miami…that’s me.  I’m funny, I’m not funny, and…and everyone only watches me because they hate their jobs, and love to curl up on the couch with a jar of Baconaisse and just…turn their minds off. 

You know, they’re just…they’re always like…

‘what’s he gonna do next, that guy?’

They can’t wait.  The students, I mean.  They just can’t wait.”

Narrator
“Ron Ronson
or ‘Ronnie’
as his acquaintances call him
is an elementary school teacher
Impeccable record
only receiving [snide remarks*]
Once
in his entire career

*On Free Day in 2007, he let his kindergarten class watch the popular adult film “School Hoes Fuck.”  Mispronounced “School House Rock” in a telephoned request to the rental facility.

Ron
“My math methods have been
questioned
sure
but, you know, I’d like to hear
what…what the women of ‘School House Rock’
have to say about this, you know?”

Narrator
“The creative minds behind
‘School Hoes Fuck’
had Nothing to say about this

but they and the rest of the world

would have plenty to say about what happened to
Dr. Ron ‘Ronnie’ Ronson on

July 23rd, 2009.

Ron
“Yeah, July…23rd, I believe it was
It was
hey

does it say anything about my PhD below my name? 

I don’t want it just to say
you know
Elementary School Teacher

That’s like
I mean

you don’t put ‘former radio host’
below Larry King’s name

or ‘formerly wheat’
on white bread

Can you just
I mean
I don’t have it yet

But I’m…Pursuing, I guess is the word…”

TEXT APPEARS:
Dr. Ron Ronson - Elementary School Teacher, PhD chaser
Posted 02/25/14
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